


what is the color, the color of shame?

by zombierump



Series: remember where you want to go [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: ftm!Blaine, period fic, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-06
Updated: 2011-09-06
Packaged: 2017-11-18 10:03:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombierump/pseuds/zombierump
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This shouldn't be happening; he's a boy so why does he have to go through this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	what is the color, the color of shame?

 

Blaine’s belly ached, felt tight, and his hands trembled as he pushed open the bathroom door. He knew he couldn’t keep this at bay forever, knew that he would have had to deal with this sometime, that his misuse of the pills could have only lasted so long before his mother found out and made him stop. He just wished that he had been able to keep it away longer, that he wouldn’t have had to deal with this so soon. He felt his stomach heave at the thought of what he was about to do, at the thought of touching himself so intimately.

He fought down the nausea, bending down to rummage under the sink and avoiding the mirror. Blaine felt the prickle of tears as he pulled out the things he needed and straightened up to unbutton his trousers, slide them down. He swiped his palm across his eyes, pressing against them hard to stop himself from crying. He flipped open the toilet lid and sat down, trousers and underwear pooled around his ankles. Blaine tried not to look as he took care of himself, tried not to listen to the crinkle of the wrappers, tried not to think about what he was doing, about how it shouldn’t be going there, about why he needed to be doing this.

He finished quickly, hands shaking the entire time, and felt his stomach flutter again. This time he couldn’t stop it, turning himself around quickly and vomiting. The sound was loud in the quiet bathroom, twisting itself into his ears, and Blaine felt the tears well up again. He sniffed, breathing in the scent of sick, and vomited again, stomach cramping, knuckles going white with how hard he was gripping the toilet bowl.

Blaine leaned his head on the cool porcelain, belly aching, heart aching, mind aching, and wished that this could be over, that he didn’t have to do this anymore, that he could just forget about the thing between his legs, the thing that wasn’t him and would never be him. He felt the hot tears sliding down his face, could hear his own loud breathing, his breath hitching, and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that he had vomit on his fingers, blood on his fingers, that his underwear and trousers were still around his ankles, that his knees ached from the hard tile; he just wanted to be done and through with this.

He didn’t know how long he lay there, crying and sometimes dry heaving, but when he finally finished, he could hear his parents puttering around downstairs. Blaine licked his dry lips and reached up a hand to flush the toilet. He pushed himself up on shaky feet, pulling his underwear and trousers back up, buttoning and zipping himself in. He threw away his wrappers without looking, washed his hands while avoiding looking at himself in the mirror, and walked out.

His belly still ached, still felt tight, but he put on a smile as he went downstairs, hiding everything from his parents and hoping that Kurt might be free tomorrow, that they could spend all day cuddling and talking about anything to make him forget this and forget that he had six more days of it.


End file.
